entry 1
entry 1 -- dec 27 2024
i wish school would start soon without all of the shit that comes with it. i've just been needing distractions lately and that's unfortunately something i am devoid of. i refuse to download social media and my drawing computer is currently 6 feet in the ground so i don't have a ton to do. i do not have many friends, either. my life kind of sucks.
i seriously can't wait until i turn 18 and can blow this town. i want to leave forever and never come back. i wanna live in portland or seattle where there's an entire community of people like me and i won't constantly feel so alone. i can't even tell my boyfriend how i feel because i don't want to lose the only person who loves me -- even if he doesn't actually love me that much. i take what i can get. even if it sucks.
everything would be so much easier if my parents knew how to be normal. maybe if they were i would be too. i can't tell if what i'm feeling is just my neurosis or if i actually am alone. there's something different about me that makes people not want to approach me. it might be because of how i was raised or how my brain works or even just how i look, but it sucks. and i wish i wasn't so isolated from everyone around me.
i think my life would be so much better if my dad was never in the picture. my grandma always tells me i should be grateful because of how many people don't have dads, but after everything he did to me, i'd prefer never even having one in the first place. it might be selfish of me to say that, but i wholeheartedly believe it. he fucked me up beyond recognition, and now nothing can help heal me. kind of like when you were little and did something stupid ended up injuring you and you thought it was just a little cut but it scars and sticks with you forever. and everytime you see it a twinge of nostalgia hits you in the gut like nothing you've ever felt before. you almost miss the pain because you want to be small again.
i got a little carried off, and i think this entry went on longer than i wanted to, but that's all i really wanted to say today. i've been feeling empty lately.